Good day my
reader, today again I would be taking up the topic of depression. For quite a
long time I have been melancholic and sad. There was no way out of it, and as
time passed by, more and more of it was eating me inside. However, once I realized
my exact causes, I have decided to try to put an end to this. One is a prey of
the predator as long as one keeps the predator on its tail. As soon as he
decides to face it, the predator might not seem ferocious at all. Just like the
prey, I too have decided to give up depression and lead a joyful life.
Firstly, I am
going to discuss in short about my depression and how it affected. Beginning of
it seemed much unnoticed. How I got lost into the darkness, or how anyone gets
lost, is mostly unknown. All I know is that certain circumstances and my ideas
along with my choices made my life miserable.
Right now I
am in the state of a clinical depression. I have not consulted any doctor, or anyone
else, but a brief research of my own indicates of this conclusion of mine. Now,
maybe I am not in to that stage maybe I am completely imagining all this, but
it is what it is.
In brief, I
never liked to return a word of disgrace to the verbal insults I would receive often
as a younger boy. At first I chose not to, I knew nothing good will happens if I
speak back. I would more of follow the principles of the great personality
Mahatma Gandhi. “agar dushman tumhe ek gaal par chanta mare, to fir use tum
doosra gal aage kar do|. Isse tumhari izzat badregi aur doosre ki ghategi” a
vague translation means that if your opponent hurts you, don’t fight back and
just withstand all the might of his. This will in fact increase your respect
and reduce the others’. I also believed this would make them realize that they
were wrong and would get better as a person. However these principles got old
and it almost died off my by the time I left grade 7. The mere goodness within
me, at least that’s what I believed, was a good deed was what a classmate of
mine used as a tool to insult me every now and then in all the classes in that
particular grade. Every time she would make fun of me, I would say nothing and
she would continue passing harsh comments.
This is as far back I remember which really affected me. It went so
intense that some teachers also asked me to say something back at least but I wouldn’t
ever do that. Now I am discussing this not to show that I assumed myself as
great person or to create sympathy for me, but just to tell how it all began. I
am not even telling you to have a grudge against that classmate.
This year
passed by I was mere normal till then. Grade 8, then nine, then ten too went
super awesome. But ending of my finals of grade 10 almost changed my life. Whatever
I was, I left for trying to satisfy a friend of my just so that she would
become my friend, the special one. This was when I ended up wasting more time
with friends, I started neglecting my studies and preferring to make a more
social status. This did take some time but by now everyone knows me for some
thing or the other.
My greatest
and biggest mistake raised in grade 11. I joined a simple dance competition in
the group with my crush. Now she wasn’t the problem, it was this other friend
of mine whose behavior toward her and me, made me jealous and took my life out.
Worst part of it was, he intended to do so at the first place, it wasn’t natural
and so I hated him since then, though now we r fine with each other, I always
feel insecure around him for such matters.
His few
actions, made me make wrong choices, changed me and since then I slowly got
deeper and deeper into this mess. I then began to have behavior problems,
especially anger. My anger levels at everyone rose to heights.
I yet hadn’t
noticed my state had changed so much. All I knew back then was I wasn’t the
same person I used to be a month before that. And then I liked it. Being alone,
spending time alone, having fun in my room with the doors locked, windows
closed and curtains, I never noticed open or closed, who cares. Things even
changed in my house. I now lived a personal life, within my small cot without preference
of parent’s slightest interventions. This was and still is like an addiction to
me. I got addicted to this life.
I wondered why is light always the preferred side. Why not like dark, after all
light is emitted from a source, and darkness is the natural component of the universe
and every matter, we know of. Such thoughts dwindled around me all the times
and I would rather wonder of these all day long. By now I would sit in front of
my laptop, do something or the other but not school or useful work. Always preferred
time pass. I had become the very person I hated as a boy.
The ideas
of getting a girl still dwindled around me and I started losing weight. But this
new thought ate me up like a … my imagination is lost just think of a
word. I lost excessive weight in few months.
I started ignoring food too. Here I met my downfall. By now I stopped studying,
like I used, stopped eating much, and stopped going out much; a person who
could have had so much fun but chose to stay home and live life by himself.
It was
around last week or so, I realized. “Was it natural, that I was naturally sad
and lived alone and no one preferred me to be around them? Was it actually natural
that circumstances kept me down and never let me up? Or was it just me?” It was
this thought, like inception, made me realize or at least changed my mindset
again. I relied that all along I assumed myself to be the one who would get
hurt, get beaten down and would never be able to stand up, and someone who is
out there would one day understand my feelings and would come and help me
recover. I found some obnoxious pleasure in such thoughts and found myself to
be what Wikipedia reference calls as Self-defeating personality disorder.
There are
so many things I haven’t discussed or thought of because I don’t or can’t even remember
them. My stress has made me forget a lot and I constantly forget memories just
like that. But from what I remember and what I al I have discussed out of what I
remember ultimately proves that I was depressed because I somehow chose to, and
now I can’t live with it. It’s not that even now I don’t like the addicted life
I have, as a matter of fact right now I am sitting in front of my laptop with
the world forgotten and just this small text to focus on. But since my realization
I now have increased will power and more control and grasp over the story of my
life. I can now control more than I could before and I hope I keep getting
better.
This essay,
I wrote is not for showing to the world my pain or making others feel sympathy
for me because I hate that, but the only place I like to share stuff is not any
journal or something but this blog. You may take me to be a mentally retarded
person, or a physiological patient, but I am a person too and I am normal in my
ways so do not judge me or any one with their flaws but instead see what are
meant for and how they are a valuable resource. Through this essay I realized
even more and also I also hope you as a reader have realized to not try the
mistakes of my life. Do not go in depression because it is much like alcohol or
chocolate sweet as appearance but nasty side effects. So then, I would write
more useless stuff again, and I hope I didn’t waste all your time. Bye
