Feeling Lonely and Alone

Have you ever wondered, in your life you have your family, then friends, then comes that someone special you longed to be with, but no matter how much you tried you still feel like you are always standing alone without anyone all by your side. Did you ever notice, your family is always trying to make you feel better, your true friends always keeping you delighted and you’re that special one, well you don’t have words for her, or him. Just like you I have a pretty supporting family and amazing friends, but all I feel is left out because I am not understood by others.

I once only had a happy family where my dad would work, my mom would do the mom’s stuff and I would do plain studying. Back then I deprived of friends it’s not that I had much of the “friends” but I had different focus in life. Study was my prime focus and I never regarded the need of friends. My life was simple listening to teachers in school; coming back home and studying and finally getting awesome grades, well according to me, and thus I lived to study. However, I never realized which I did now, that even with all books around me, and a great family; I was all but alone.

Then I grew up, shifted places turned fourteen, when I actually realized how important it is to know that studying is not the only thing one should do. I understood I was the lonely, so I began. I began the search for friends. Even though you might feel dumb thinking “what an idiot I am to find friends” but trust me, if you never made friends before by yourself, you actually would find it difficult to make even one and to sustain it. I would go around trying to make friends with people, anyone to be honest, and luckily I ended up with a very nice old friend of mine.

I felt better to have one friend, than none, and trust me you don’t want to lose your best friend, it’s horrible and I think you all should know how it feels. Through him I met more friends, and made many friends and was rather happy to be with so many people.  I loved life then and was too happy to be honest, though you would again laugh at me with the thought that, what the heck am I? I am joyful to have made friend, I am stupid. But that’s who I am, so deal with it.

But then again, I would often feel the case of being different than others, a difference which would cause me to dislike the company of many and feel uncomfortable with many.  I started finding it weird to be with some of my friends, for now I felt I had too many to handle. I would leave myself out of the conversations and company of many by myself and thus feel lonely and ended up Alone, well with few very good friends.

Then I made a small mistake with huge troubles for later part. And you know the mistake, well you can easily guess, I gave into love. Don’t know how or why but it just happened that I madly started loving a girl who I never even talked to. I guess I am stupid but whatever it is I ruined it since then. At first I didn’t know that it would have ruined it for me, but gradually as it grew intense I became more and more mad.

Then finally one friend came along with the same interest as me and I came down to my ruins. This was the beginning of my end. Since I am bad at mingling he won her over me, in no time and I came to a disastrous emotional breakdown. Since then, I simply gave up hope and lost interest in every single thing. It was less of a choice than a gradual change. Thus I changed again. In search for love, I start hating myself, that friend in competition of mine and gradual many others. I always hated hard and rash people, and I ended up being one of my enemies therefore, hating myself.

Quite recently, I had intense love for her that I couldn’t take it anymore and so I finally confessed my love for her, which did not quite end up as expected from my point of view. But this did help me to realize that I should move on and not keep on remembering the old thoughts. Though she was my friend and that she quite as well knew I liked her from before, I decreased my interactions with her and improved my miserable conditions. But a major shock I got was quite recently which included her and this time it became deadly. This time, one of my very close friends informed me that they both were interested in each other and got closer than normal already, which left me in pieces. And now, even my closest friends are no more close to me, and I am detaching from everyone around me. Thus, I ended up all the same alone again, with a family, friends and an interest in someone.

I had once started off, from being alone and to go on to make some great friends. But now I am gradually depriving of friends again and ending up lonely again all the same as I was few years ago. The only difference was that before I at least studied and had enough interest to focus on my future and career, but now all is lost for nothing is interesting or useful anymore for me. So I ended up where I started and with added hopelessness. However, one of friends once told me to make me feel better that “Dude if now you have hard times, then great moments are not far away, so keep having faith”. With this I still keep my hope and faith in destiny and wish that someday, the sun will rise for me and I would also have a much more cheerful morning and be happy for once.