Honeybee's Laze

As days pass by, months at end,
feels like time is losing its trend,
the bee who buzzed nectar out of the flower,
is at rest, cherishing his honey by the hour.

He doesn't work now, he says he did his part,
enjoying the pretty weather and its spark
carefree he is for the future behold,
a misery off drought around flower so bold.

Treaty he made with a bear to share,
the saved up knowledge of honey, a glare,
avoiding, he shouldn't have, to chase away
the bear, a brown thief who never does spare.

A darkness of company sucking his own
brilliance, diligence all awards he owned.
Likes, the bees, a sweeter company
of backstabbers and leechers of his melodious honey.

Clueless, he thinks, he is at time,
which he should utilize finishing his prime.
For soon comes summer, a time to bloom
new off-springs who would add to his loom.

With more work now,he can rest and stay
a time his body shall wither away.
For future, a mystery, you cannot fight,
So why not work more to always stay upright.

Now think a life you live around,
Same as the bee, you waste around.
I hope realization comes to you,
leave bears and go collect a honey or two.

Life at a glance

Every Saturday afternoon,
I sit by my only bed;
stare out of the window
so bright, could almost see
the entire world yet I see
the vast space, worn out
for every day’s glare.

The sun shines so bright,
It hides the sky, and hides
all the darkness in my life.
The dark round sky
glows alive, into a new
 blue zealous phase.

The line it sketches begins
a new era into mankind.
Where life is grey, but living it,
seems most colorful eternal taste.

Down there I see, an guiltless me
waiting to fly into the sky,
but wings are cut, never let to strut
but dreams tell me to glide away.

The world is your, my
place to live. I have seen half,
half seas left; want to find
the hardest bind, to content
a heart full of sophisticate shrine.
 

The window reminds
me of eyes of god, seeing a door to
entirely different race. Where
day is dull and night is bright
where you live when it’s time to die.

The golden flame that burns away,

I see but the blazing hope that way,
a light to life I mean to say,
a glow of mind sada jale.

The twilight is near, a fear
begins, today is lost, tomorrow begins
what it reveals is a mystery,
I would stop this tale of history.

I don’t want to stop, it is my fun
a desolate life full of run,
yet this drag seems to be
my only hope in this eternity. 

Why you shouldn't go in depression

Good day my reader, today again I would be taking up the topic of depression. For quite a long time I have been melancholic and sad. There was no way out of it, and as time passed by, more and more of it was eating me inside. However, once I realized my exact causes, I have decided to try to put an end to this. One is a prey of the predator as long as one keeps the predator on its tail. As soon as he decides to face it, the predator might not seem ferocious at all. Just like the prey, I too have decided to give up depression and lead a joyful life.

Firstly, I am going to discuss in short about my depression and how it affected. Beginning of it seemed much unnoticed. How I got lost into the darkness, or how anyone gets lost, is mostly unknown. All I know is that certain circumstances and my ideas along with my choices made my life miserable.

Right now I am in the state of a clinical depression. I have not consulted any doctor, or anyone else, but a brief research of my own indicates of this conclusion of mine. Now, maybe I am not in to that stage maybe I am completely imagining all this, but it is what it is.

In brief, I never liked to return a word of disgrace to the verbal insults I would receive often as a younger boy. At first I chose not to, I knew nothing good will happens if I speak back. I would more of follow the principles of the great personality Mahatma Gandhi. “agar dushman tumhe ek gaal par chanta mare, to fir use tum doosra gal aage kar do|. Isse tumhari izzat badregi aur doosre ki ghategi” a vague translation means that if your opponent hurts you, don’t fight back and just withstand all the might of his. This will in fact increase your respect and reduce the others’. I also believed this would make them realize that they were wrong and would get better as a person. However these principles got old and it almost died off my by the time I left grade 7. The mere goodness within me, at least that’s what I believed, was a good deed was what a classmate of mine used as a tool to insult me every now and then in all the classes in that particular grade. Every time she would make fun of me, I would say nothing and she would continue passing harsh comments.  This is as far back I remember which really affected me. It went so intense that some teachers also asked me to say something back at least but I wouldn’t ever do that. Now I am discussing this not to show that I assumed myself as great person or to create sympathy for me, but just to tell how it all began. I am not even telling you to have a grudge against that classmate.

This year passed by I was mere normal till then. Grade 8, then nine, then ten too went super awesome. But ending of my finals of grade 10 almost changed my life. Whatever I was, I left for trying to satisfy a friend of my just so that she would become my friend, the special one. This was when I ended up wasting more time with friends, I started neglecting my studies and preferring to make a more social status. This did take some time but by now everyone knows me for some thing or the other.

My greatest and biggest mistake raised in grade 11. I joined a simple dance competition in the group with my crush. Now she wasn’t the problem, it was this other friend of mine whose behavior toward her and me, made me jealous and took my life out. Worst part of it was, he intended to do so at the first place, it wasn’t natural and so I hated him since then, though now we r fine with each other, I always feel insecure around him for such matters.

His few actions, made me make wrong choices, changed me and since then I slowly got deeper and deeper into this mess. I then began to have behavior problems, especially anger. My anger levels at everyone rose to heights.

I yet hadn’t noticed my state had changed so much. All I knew back then was I wasn’t the same person I used to be a month before that. And then I liked it. Being alone, spending time alone, having fun in my room with the doors locked, windows closed and curtains, I never noticed open or closed, who cares. Things even changed in my house. I now lived a personal life, within my small cot without preference of parent’s slightest interventions. This was and still is like an addiction to me. I got addicted to this life.

I wondered why is light always the preferred side. Why not like dark, after all light is emitted from a source, and darkness is the natural component of the universe and every matter, we know of. Such thoughts dwindled around me all the times and I would rather wonder of these all day long. By now I would sit in front of my laptop, do something or the other but not school or useful work. Always preferred time pass. I had become the very person I hated as a boy.

The ideas of getting a girl still dwindled around me and I started losing weight. But this new thought ate me up like a … my imagination is lost just think of a word.  I lost excessive weight in few months. I started ignoring food too. Here I met my downfall. By now I stopped studying, like I used, stopped eating much, and stopped going out much; a person who could have had so much fun but chose to stay home and live life by himself.

It was around last week or so, I realized. “Was it natural, that I was naturally sad and lived alone and no one preferred me to be around them? Was it actually natural that circumstances kept me down and never let me up? Or was it just me?” It was this thought, like inception, made me realize or at least changed my mindset again. I relied that all along I assumed myself to be the one who would get hurt, get beaten down and would never be able to stand up, and someone who is out there would one day understand my feelings and would come and help me recover. I found some obnoxious pleasure in such thoughts and found myself to be what Wikipedia reference calls as Self-defeating personality disorder.

There are so many things I haven’t discussed or thought of because I don’t or can’t even remember them. My stress has made me forget a lot and I constantly forget memories just like that. But from what I remember and what I al I have discussed out of what I remember ultimately proves that I was depressed because I somehow chose to, and now I can’t live with it. It’s not that even now I don’t like the addicted life I have, as a matter of fact right now I am sitting in front of my laptop with the world forgotten and just this small text to focus on. But since my realization I now have increased will power and more control and grasp over the story of my life. I can now control more than I could before and I hope I keep getting better.

This essay, I wrote is not for showing to the world my pain or making others feel sympathy for me because I hate that, but the only place I like to share stuff is not any journal or something but this blog. You may take me to be a mentally retarded person, or a physiological patient, but I am a person too and I am normal in my ways so do not judge me or any one with their flaws but instead see what are meant for and how they are a valuable resource. Through this essay I realized even more and also I also hope you as a reader have realized to not try the mistakes of my life. Do not go in depression because it is much like alcohol or chocolate sweet as appearance but nasty side effects. So then, I would write more useless stuff again, and I hope I didn’t waste all your time. Bye

Poem is always a way

Awkward as it may seem,

This poem has no mean,

I have no intentions to dream,

I said it; I said it with a scream.

You see I'm tired,

Of every day’s retire,

To wake up again to desire,

A jolly day, though you can’t one hire

All throughout day,

I work none, and live astray,

Poem is though always a way,

To get out and express yourself anyway.

Therefore I write a poem again,

Useless as it may seem, it makes me rain,

With platform joy, since I live on a train,

Which ends a destination I can’t restrain.

Amazing, this useless poem took me less than 10 mins to write... i am so useless

Feeling Lonely and Alone

Have you ever wondered, in your life you have your family, then friends, then comes that someone special you longed to be with, but no matter how much you tried you still feel like you are always standing alone without anyone all by your side. Did you ever notice, your family is always trying to make you feel better, your true friends always keeping you delighted and you’re that special one, well you don’t have words for her, or him. Just like you I have a pretty supporting family and amazing friends, but all I feel is left out because I am not understood by others.

I once only had a happy family where my dad would work, my mom would do the mom’s stuff and I would do plain studying. Back then I deprived of friends it’s not that I had much of the “friends” but I had different focus in life. Study was my prime focus and I never regarded the need of friends. My life was simple listening to teachers in school; coming back home and studying and finally getting awesome grades, well according to me, and thus I lived to study. However, I never realized which I did now, that even with all books around me, and a great family; I was all but alone.

Then I grew up, shifted places turned fourteen, when I actually realized how important it is to know that studying is not the only thing one should do. I understood I was the lonely, so I began. I began the search for friends. Even though you might feel dumb thinking “what an idiot I am to find friends” but trust me, if you never made friends before by yourself, you actually would find it difficult to make even one and to sustain it. I would go around trying to make friends with people, anyone to be honest, and luckily I ended up with a very nice old friend of mine.

I felt better to have one friend, than none, and trust me you don’t want to lose your best friend, it’s horrible and I think you all should know how it feels. Through him I met more friends, and made many friends and was rather happy to be with so many people.  I loved life then and was too happy to be honest, though you would again laugh at me with the thought that, what the heck am I? I am joyful to have made friend, I am stupid. But that’s who I am, so deal with it.

But then again, I would often feel the case of being different than others, a difference which would cause me to dislike the company of many and feel uncomfortable with many.  I started finding it weird to be with some of my friends, for now I felt I had too many to handle. I would leave myself out of the conversations and company of many by myself and thus feel lonely and ended up Alone, well with few very good friends.

Then I made a small mistake with huge troubles for later part. And you know the mistake, well you can easily guess, I gave into love. Don’t know how or why but it just happened that I madly started loving a girl who I never even talked to. I guess I am stupid but whatever it is I ruined it since then. At first I didn’t know that it would have ruined it for me, but gradually as it grew intense I became more and more mad.

Then finally one friend came along with the same interest as me and I came down to my ruins. This was the beginning of my end. Since I am bad at mingling he won her over me, in no time and I came to a disastrous emotional breakdown. Since then, I simply gave up hope and lost interest in every single thing. It was less of a choice than a gradual change. Thus I changed again. In search for love, I start hating myself, that friend in competition of mine and gradual many others. I always hated hard and rash people, and I ended up being one of my enemies therefore, hating myself.

Quite recently, I had intense love for her that I couldn’t take it anymore and so I finally confessed my love for her, which did not quite end up as expected from my point of view. But this did help me to realize that I should move on and not keep on remembering the old thoughts. Though she was my friend and that she quite as well knew I liked her from before, I decreased my interactions with her and improved my miserable conditions. But a major shock I got was quite recently which included her and this time it became deadly. This time, one of my very close friends informed me that they both were interested in each other and got closer than normal already, which left me in pieces. And now, even my closest friends are no more close to me, and I am detaching from everyone around me. Thus, I ended up all the same alone again, with a family, friends and an interest in someone.

I had once started off, from being alone and to go on to make some great friends. But now I am gradually depriving of friends again and ending up lonely again all the same as I was few years ago. The only difference was that before I at least studied and had enough interest to focus on my future and career, but now all is lost for nothing is interesting or useful anymore for me. So I ended up where I started and with added hopelessness. However, one of friends once told me to make me feel better that “Dude if now you have hard times, then great moments are not far away, so keep having faith”. With this I still keep my hope and faith in destiny and wish that someday, the sun will rise for me and I would also have a much more cheerful morning and be happy for once. 

Terror of our nation

O, the lives lost in war

O, the fights uselessly fought

I believe in an easier way

The way the barbarians do not agree.

I see the terror in his eyes

How fright he is by my side

Peacefully though he rests in cot

The thunderous noise disrupts his thoughts

All through middle school I got

We learn from history, lesson was I taught

Life is precious, war is not

But life is lost when war spreads across

We know once Hitler terrorized

Two decades wasted in countless murders

Of innocent lives, just to conquer

The parts of crust when earth is our nation.

Now again we live no peace,

Wars caused for all but greed

I see the end when it begins

Greed always leads to a fruitless nation

Thus I think wars a trouble,

Lives lost and end will be the end

So all we need to do is kill

The greed in you and the greed in my will.

Death- really the only option???????

Death is always a way out,

But it is a onetime exit only

Think on all things you will miss out,

And remember who all will miss you.

Don’t say you wanna die for not

Being able to do your duties well,

Cause wherever you are you will

Always get loads to think about

You might feel you are the only one

With burden so heavy you can’t bear

But everyone you see today

Suffers the same fate someday.

So go out there, out in the world

Live your life, without a doubt

For remember one thing I figured out

If now it’s night, the sun will soon come out.

You Don't Know Me Truly

 You Don't Know Me Truly

Within my room do I cry,

With all my best effort do I try,

But it is not in my reach to not be shy,

And always I smile, you never reply.

I be myself, you don't judge me wise,

I strive to prove, I am so nice

But then it seems to my surprise

You choose those guys all your life.

Then once was when I made a mistake

Lost my heart and put my life on stake,

Now I do regret that it would break

My heart and soul, give me a headache.

I love you girl, I can’t express

How hurt I feel when I get stress

Looking at you with him always

And me alone trying to hide away.

But now I have a thought of mine,

To forget every single thought of thine,

Though hard it is, baby I can’t be fine,

But this is my life. That's how I shine.